Before all my confidence, my self-autonomy, and all that lol, I experienced very low self-esteem with several psychological diagnoses that led me to believe I was defined by those labels and by early life experiences. I always felt like I had to belong to be loved, like I had to “find” whatever I thought was missing within me. I was drawn to intense experiences, chasing the highs and lows — whether through relationships, substances, or even just spirituality in itself. I felt like I could not be myself or be still AT ALL ong 😭

I’d constantly overthink and doubt myself — whether I was making the “right” choices or want to “fix” anything that felt “wrong”. I would judge myself for every decision, trying to be perfect for others, holding unrealistic expectations that always led me to burn out. My body was constantly fatigued and I’d push through just to “prove” something to others 😔

Or I’d constantly feel heartbroken, and unworthy of love when someone wouldn’t choose me, leave my life, or give me fucking breadcrumbs bro lol 😭💀😆

Or I’d run on autopilot, stuck in habits that left me feeling emotionally flat or numb. I was just so used to making choices based on habit/need — not consciously, not with the freedom to choose for myself — because I didn’t genuinely feel in coherence of my mind, body, consciousness, or soul.

Eventually, I fell into a never-ending “void” state (you know… typical psych major behavior lol) where I kept searching for answers outside myself avoiding my own authenticity. I explored philosophy, spirituality, and all the theories of how life “should” be lived, or how I was “supposed” to be.

At some point, I let go of everything that used to be me. I released old concepts, ideals, morals, and identities, and began experimenting with my own boundaries — what felt “true” for my body, started practicing awareness with my mind, not trying to fix or change anything about myself. I started truly connecting with my body’s needs and my mind’s patterns — no longer ignoring them, but no longer letting them define the person I thought I had to be 🙂‍↔️

As I made peace with the chaos, I reminded myself that I was free all along (easier said than done, right??😭)— not confined by beliefs, patterns, labels, or past experiences. I began listening to the sensations in my body and flowing with them. In that stillness, in that neutrality, I started experiencing my true authentic self — getting to know myself all over again 🥰🙂‍↕️